got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift