got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.