I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.