I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When I snag the last meatball.
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
At least my masseuse has my back.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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