I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
not for long
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
…..pretty much.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.