“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.