My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?