Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.