Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Meow