why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
termite twitter scares me
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down