termite twitter scares me
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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”