Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.