Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won鈥檛 shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I鈥檇 write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn鈥檛 tell them…馃ぃ
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I鈥檓 married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I鈥檒l open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.