Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.