My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT