I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.