God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.