I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
worst…sale…ever
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread