My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
You Might Also Like
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences