Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

mathematically impossible

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”