What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“i miss shittin on people”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.