IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Just say no
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Perfect
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.