Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Shark week, but for squirrels.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home