So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
This meeting could have been a cake
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.