This meeting could have been a cake
You Might Also Like
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion