A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Its a hippotatomus
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.