When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
car not found
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.