Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
You Might Also Like
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.