when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS