Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
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Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”