Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.