Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You Might Also Like
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
wut hotdog?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no