Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
i made a craigslist ad !
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
(Jupiter –
