You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
What about a To-Don’t List?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
birds and squirrels envy us
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?