You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg