friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Finally, an explanation.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular