Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
You Might Also Like
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.