Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Only short people can save us
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
my one true gender
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd