[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink