ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.