most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
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*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.