I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The answer is funnier than the question
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Good advice.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Every. Damn. Time.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact