Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.