It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline