One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
You Might Also Like
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick