[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
#inspiration #foodforthought
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.