Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February