Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*exercises sarcastically*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
RT if you know someone like this!!!