My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Friends that check up on you >
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.