Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated