5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
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If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out