Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wait a minute…
They got Raph!
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.