I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
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What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
handsome & gretel
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*