me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.