[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
What?!?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.